A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery,knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep,he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him,feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key,and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a fair young lady. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".
The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
[/code]
Things To Do When I'm The Vampire
I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there when he is dead.
My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basem*nt will be equipped with claymores [mines] designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.
I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway so what's the point?
If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise.
I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.
I will have one of my Entranced Subjects constantly observing the Hero and his party. I always want warning if they go to a lumber yard.
I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself.
I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
As cute as the Vampire Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.
[/code]
FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never, under any circ*mstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
[/code]
Women's English:
> Yes = No
> No = Yes
> Maybe = No
> I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
> We need = I want
> It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
> Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
> We need to talk = I need to complain
> Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
> I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
> You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
> Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
> This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
> I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
> I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
> Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
> How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
> I'll be ready in a minute =Kick off your shoes & find a good game on TV
> You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
> Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
Men's English:
> I'm hungry = I'm hungry
> I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
> I'm tired = I'm tired
> Do you want to go to a movie? =I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> Can I take you out to dinner? =I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
> You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
> What's wrong?=What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
> What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
> I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
> I love you = Let's have sex now!
> I love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
> Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
> Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
> Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others
> I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay
[/code]
Mary had a little skirt
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt
Split right up the front
But she never wore that one.
[/code]
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE A$$ ON THAT BITCH!"
[/code]
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned and was told by the monarch who captured him that he'd be put to death. But the monarch was impressed with Arthur's youthful happiness and offered Arthur a way to regain his freedom. He'd have a year to have a question answered, and if he didn't find an answer, he'd be put to death. The question was: "What do women want?"
Such a question would challenge even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible task. But, he asked everyone. The princesses. The prostitutes. The priests. Wise men. Even the court jester. None could give him a satisfactory answer.
The year came to an end. Arthur had but one day, and he'd been holding off asking one person, the Old Witch, because he knew her price would be high. But, tomorrow would be the day he would be put to death, so he had no choice.
She agreed to answer the question, but only if Arthur agreed to her price first. She wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend.
The witch was hunchbacked and awfully hideous. She had one tooth and smelled like sewage water. She made horrible and obscene noises -- he'd never come across a more repugnant creature. He just couldn't ask his friend to bear such a burden as marrying the Old Witch.
But Gawain, upon learning that Arthur would be put to death, spoke with Arthur and told him no price was to high to spare Arthur from death. So, Arthur told the Old Witch that Gawain would marry her. She, in turn, gave him the answer. "What women really want is to be able to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone instantly knew that was indeed the correct answer, and the monarch did indeed spare Arthur's life. But Arthur was now torn between relief and anguish as he prepared for the wedding of his best friend to the Old Witch.
On their wedding day the Old Witch put on her worst manners. She ate with her hands, belched, farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
That night, Gawain steeled himself for the worst having to make love to such a creature. As he opened the bedroom door . . .
. . . there was the most beautiful woman in the world! Gawain was astounded and asked what happened. The beauty replied that since he'd been so kind to her (when she was a witch) half of the time she'd be her horrible self and half of the time she'd be the beautiful sexy woman she was then. It was up to him to choose if she was to be beautiful during the day or during the night.
What a dilemma. Would he rather show off a beautiful woman during the day and be repulsed at night or be in the company of a hideous creature in public but be in the company of an angel for the intimate hours. What to do.
What would *you* do?
Well, Gawain replied that she should choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all of the time, because he had respected her and let her be in charge of her own life.
The moral of the story?
It doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly. Smart or dumb. Underneath it all . . . .
She's still a witch.
[/code]
IN THE BEGINNING . . .
. . . God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining?
What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth".
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society.
Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before the granting . . .
At this point God created Hell.
[/code]
As I awoke this morning, A new day had just been dawned.
A robin perched upon my sill, To signal the coming dawn.
His songs were gay and cheerful, And he broke the morning's lull.
Then I slammed the window shut, And smashed his little skull.
By ..Waddie Mitchell, ELKO, Nev.
[/code]
SUCCESS (in a nutshell)
At age 4, success is: not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is: having friends.
At age 20, success is: having sex.
At age 35, success is: making money.
At age 60, success is: having sex.
At age 70, success is: having friends.
At age 80, success is: not peeing your pants
[/code]
The phrase "unsolicited commercial email"
produces the anagrams...
Calculation: I'm mediocre slime.
I'm malicious electrical demon.
Economic delirium? Stale claim!
[/code]
A very happy couple on the eve of their wedding day are killed by two stray bullets in a gone-bad(sic) robbery. At the pearly gates they approach St. Peter and ask, "Please Sir, we were just about to be married, is there any way we can have the ceremony up here?"
"Well, St. Pete replies, "It's never been done but I'll check into it."
Two hundred years pass and St. Peter calls up the couple and says, "Okay, you can get married now."
A couple of months pass and the happy couple aren't so happy anymore.
"Please St. Peter," the man complains, "my wife is driving me insane. If we weren't dead already I'd have to kill her."
"Okay, okay," St. Peter replies, " I'll see what I can do."
A thousand years pass and St. Peter tracks done the bitterly fueding couple again to share the good news.
"That's great sir," the man exclaims, " but why did it take so long to get married and even longer to divorce?"
"Well," St. Peter replies, "it usually takes a long time for a priest to grow old and die. How often do you think a lawyer gets up here?"
[/code]
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus says "Fine." St. Pete takes the book which lists everyone who's supposed to get into Heaven with him to the bathroom to have something to read.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees this old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus tells him he doesn't have the book, but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitted into heaven. Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him in based on the story.
The man explains "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."
Jesus is awestruck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Are you MY father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Are you Pinocchio?"
[/code]
Sure Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman
When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "No," then get pissed off when you are believed.
Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement. If he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress in your life (Also see No. 7).
Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
[/code]
The Top 14 Atheist Holiday Songs
O Little Town of Birmingham
I Don't Fear What You Fear
Oh, Krispy Kreme
Angels I Have Heard While High
Grandma Got Run Over By a Train, Dear
Oh Come *On*, All Ye Faithful!
Silent Night. Total F**king Silence.
Hark! The Victoria's Secret Angels Jiggle
We Kiss You a Mahir Christmas
Livin' La Vida Loca -- not that it has anything to do with atheism, but that Ricky Martin is HOT!
Whose Kid is This?
O Stoli Night
Amway -- I'm a Manager
and the Number 1 Atheist Holiday Song...
Got Breasts, Ye Merry Gentlemen?
[/code]
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey will make an attempt with the same response -- all of the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Keep this up for several days.
Turn off the cold water. If, later, another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
Now, remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Replace the third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs.
Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been done around here."
[/code]
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Real programmers are those that can sleep in front of terminals with their eyes opened.
Real programmers don't work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am it's because they were up all night.
There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
This poem has caused an illegal operation and will now shut down.
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing
If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime